


An Elf and a Wizard Walk into a Hair Salon...

by Arenal



Category: Doctor Who, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck, Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 09:19:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1118192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arenal/pseuds/Arenal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ficlet for the prompt "Someone please write me a fic where Thranduil and Lucius Malfoy run a hair salon together and instead of doing any actual work they bitch about their customers and interfere in their sons' love lives."<br/>Not as funny as the prompt deserves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Elf and a Wizard Walk into a Hair Salon...

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this: http://thetrueliesofafangirl.tumblr.com/post/71852692423/someone-please-write-me-a-fic-where-thranduil-and

Thranduil flipped his hair back and examined it in the closest mirror. “Molly Hooper was in here yesterday, you know.”

He could practically hear Lucius Malfoy rolling his eyes. “Ugh, again? The poor girl should really keep it natural. She’s not even bad-looking.”

“I told her as much, but nooo, she wants it like that. Not everyone can pull off this hair, but Molly thinks she can. And don’t even get me started on Sam Winchester!”

Lucius came in and started washing down the stations. “Oh, that boy’s hair! Do you know, his brother actually came in here with all manner of threats the first time I dyed it.”

“What did you do?” Thranduil asked. 

“Turned him into a frog for a few days. I think Sam called him off. He just loves that hair, the great buffoon. Far too attached to it; I think his head went a little funny after he got his soul back. Say what you will, but soulless Sam was funny. And he had taste.”

Thranduil shook his head. “You’ll never get Dean Winchester to do anything with his hair, that’s for sure. You know, I have a simple philosophy: Don’t bother with unwinnable fights. That’s what keeps me so calm.”

Lucius raised an eyebrow. “You beat up Kili not three days ago.”

“He insulted my taste!” Thranduil flicked his towel over his shoulder. “It’s obvious to anyone that he’s not a platinum, so I suggested a nice honey-gold, and he was berserk. Is that my fault? Besides, Lucius, you tried to give the Dark Lord a makeover. He doesn’t even have hair!”

Lucius shrugged. “Well, Potter defeated him, so it’s no problem of mine anymore.” He scowled. “Ugh, when I think of Potter, I could just spit. He thinks he’s so much better than us, with his short black hair…do you know, I do believe Draco likes him.”

Thranduil stopped midstride and turned around. “Oh, do tell.”

Lucius shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. And what about your boy, Thranduil?”

Thranduil scowled. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh, go on.”

“Ask him yourself if you’re so curious! I asked him to call later today, but I doubt he will unless he wants money.” Thranduil looked around the shop and changed the subject quickly. “Well—are we ready?”

“Absolutely,” Lucius said, flicking his wand at the sign on the door, which flipped itself over to show patrons that the hair salon was now open.

The first appointments were Finnick Odair, who flirted ostentatiously with Thranduil, and Natasha Romanoff, who secretly terrified both Thranduil and Lucius.

“So, Ms. Romanoff, would you like your hair short again?” Lucius asked.

Natasha combed her fingers through her hair. “No. Just straighten it and blow it out, please. As flat and straight as the blade of a knife.”

“Knife. Right. Got it.” Lucius got to work. “Lovely color.” Natasha was perhaps the only customer that Lucius paid attention to, because he liked his guts inside his body. After she left, it was Jim Moriarty’s turn. 

“Lucius, darling!” Jim said, smiling. Jim and Lucius met often at the Vive la Villainry club, and though they were not close friends, Lucius very much admired Jim’s exquisite style. 

“Jim, what happened?” Lucius asked, his eyes widening. “You’re looking practically transparent!”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Oh, that. I was worried about that. Yes, I’m a ghost now, I’m afraid, and you know how it takes some dead characters longer to be resurrected than others…don’t worry; I expect to be back to full solidity within the week.”

Lucius nodded doubtfully. “I’ll do my best…” As he tried to force the scissors to connect with Jim’s only-partially-there hair for a trim, Thranduil finished Finnick’s hair and the next customer came in. 

As he clipped Karkat Vantas’ messy hair with a look of great scorn, Thranduil received a call. “Hello? Oh, Legolas! Yes, what do you need? Absolutely not!”  
The scissors sliced into Karkat’s hair with blind fury as Thranduil became distracted by his conversation with his son and Karkat gaped in horror at his reflection.   
“No, absolutely not, I said! I don’t want you going on dates with that woman, let alone pay for them…I hope you realize that she was kissing a dwarf last week…Yes, by all means, go beat him up if it will make you feel better but you should be looking for better, my boy; she’s a lowly sylvan elf…by the stars! Call back when you’re in a better temper! And tell Gandalf to keep his infernal nose out of the forest if you see him!”

By the time Thranduil was finished with his vicious chopping, Karkat’s hair was a raggedly shorn mess. Thranduil turned off his phone and shook his head with a sigh.

“Legolas is with someone you don’t like?” Lucius asked sympathetically as Jim left, smirking at the horrified Karkat.

“Oh, yes.” Thranduil dumped half a bottle of platinum blonde dye into Karkat’s hair and started smearing it around vigorously. “I told him, Tauriel isn’t good enough for him, and anyway she has a thing for dwarves, but will my boy listen? Nooo. And it sounds like that thrice-damned wizard is egging him on.”

“I hear you,” Lucius said sympathetically. “Before Potter, Draco was obsessed with some Mudblood girl. Just last month, I turned up at their school personally to give him a lecture. You know what he said?” He imitated a whiny, high-pitched tone. “He said, ‘Daaaad, you’re embarrassing me in front of the Mudblood genius. I’d rather go to school on Mars if you’re going to keep coming down here like this!’ Ungrateful is what I call it.” Lucius shook his head disgustedly, completely ignoring the next customer, a young man with floppy dark brown hair, a tweed jacket, and a bow tie. 

“Yes, they’re all like that these days, aren’t they? I mean, last week Legolas—”

“HEY!” Karkat yelled. 

Thranduil, who had just finished rinsing the dye, gave him a look of surprise. “What is it?”

“I’m glad you’re engrossed in your fucking conversation, but if you could fucking pay attention to my goddamn hair, THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR!” Karkat yelled.

Lucius and Thranduil both stared at Karkat’s hair, which was now chopped up in odd places and bright yellow. 

“I like it,” Lucius pronounced. 

Karkat stared at them, let loose a stream of swearwords, and ran out.

Lucius and Thranduil rolled their eyes in unison at Karkat’s retreating back and then turned with mutually fabulous sighs to the bow tie man.

They paid for their work on him the following day when they had to contend with a furious Amy Pond.


End file.
